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first.last@compass.net (3) (no subject) D12 63:19PM first.last@compass.net (6) Re: Mission D11 8:01PM first.last@compass.net (12) [text] D10 9:35AM

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[mouthshut]

[Following her in.]

I haven't wanted to know. No reason too. [Sitting on a crate!]

[coffeebeforescience]

I need to tell you.

[She closes the doors.]

[mouthshut]

[That's a sigh.]

I thought so, Master Chief thought I should know some things.

[coffeebeforescience]

[She pales.]

What did he tell you?

[mouthshut]

[He shakes his head.]

Nothing, you got to me first. [But he's staring at her now.] What do you need to tell me?

[coffeebeforescience]

I don't know where to start.

[She takes a deep breath. Nothing will help this. Nothing will make this easier.]

He told me about Miranda. She was a commander.

[mouthshut]

[It takes him a moment to realize what that could mean but he doesn't want to believe, which is why he looks at her and shakes his head, pointing at her.]

Was? What do you mean by that?

[There's some amount of pleading there, he doesn't want to know. He dies, he's dead, he doesn't need to know what happens to his daughter after that. That he can't protect her.]

[coffeebeforescience]

[She puts her hands up in front of her body, as if trying to calm him, but then drops her arms back to her sides.]

Killed in action.

[Stay strong. Don't cry. Don't let yourself be human, Catherine.]

I wanted you to hear it from me. I'm... I couldn't protect her. I'm sorry.

[mouthshut]

[Calming him won't happen, how could it? Especially after that.

But instead of lashing out at her, he could never do that even this upset with grief, he stands up after running a hand over his face and squeezing his eyes shut. Dead. Miranda's dead and he's never felt like such a failure as he does right then.

And he can't blame Catherine, he can't rationalize that at the moment, she's a scientist, she's on Reach somewhere doing whatever it is she does and wouldn't have heard about him or Miranda, couldn't have done anything.

But after a moment of standing and staring at her in shock he sits back down and wipes at his face more with his hand, looking lost.]

Dead. Miranda's dead. Dead and, your, and - [He shakes his head at that, switching from wiping at his face to resting his face in his hands. No, he's not going to cry, no.]

[coffeebeforescience]

[There's a long silence. She shouldn't have said it that way, but when has she ever had tact? Biting her tongue to keep from saying more, to keep from making it worse, she simply faces him. She takes a half-step closer, unsure as to whether or not she should even be in his presence now.

Miranda took after her father. Miranda always needed him. She never knew how to be a mother, and she didn't deserve to even mourn. Her daughter was hardly hers at all.]

I'm sorry, Jacob.

[There's a distance, there. Not coldness, but detachment. It'll never sink in. Ever.]

[mouthshut]

[If she had tried to comfort him maybe he could have believed she was sorry. He might have believed she cared, that she actually gave a damn about Miranda. But he doesn't, he hears that detachment and any chance of trying to think she cared and trying to not be angry at her, is gone.

It's enough to make him look at her with something far more angry then he probably ever has been around her and he points once more at her, not standing but that's only because he doesn't trust himself.]

No you're not, Catherine. If you did you wouldn't have been on Reach, you would have with us, you wouldn't have been making your soldiers from the children you made me help you with! [He only stops because he looks down and shakes his head.]

[coffeebeforescience]

[That's a slap to the face. Even if she knows she deserves it--always has known, always will know, always will be her own worst enemy and greatest advocate--it's different to hear it from him.

Her tone chills, and she holds her elbows in her hands.]

I did what I had to do.

[And she feels sick over it. Her daughter. If she'd ever tried to love anyone, it was her. She knew the risks of having a child, knew the consequences, and she failed miserably. She knows. But she loved her. Tried. Wanted to. Failed.]

[mouthshut]

[And her chilly tone doesn't matter to him. How could he have turned his own daughter away at the time? He couldn't have, he took her in and loves her, loves because he's still in shock over her being dead.

But he stands, pointing at her and keeping his voice calm.]

No, you didn't. You walked away, Catherine. What would have happened to her if I died earlier then what our future says? What if I had died before coming here?

[coffeebeforescience]

[And now she steps forward, hands down at her sides balled into fists. She's shocked at the way he's speaking. Always the gentleman, and now what has she done?]

You agreed that it would be best for her. You agreed with me, Jacob. And if you'd died, of course I would have taken her in. Maybe then she wouldn't have been foolish enough to be in harm's way.

[mouthshut]

[Found the one thing that honestly angers him. He's upset, angry at himself for dying, at her for not being there more. At her concentrating on the Spartans and not her family. He always knew her work came first, but this is the first time it's been so personnel.]

I know I did, Catherine. What was I supposed to do? [His fist is at his side this time before shaking his head.] She was the best thing in my life at the time. [And he shakes his head again.] Call me foolish all you like, Catherine, at least I was there. If you had been there, maybe it wouldn't have happened. [But there's no bite in his words at that, he's come to terms with that a long time ago.]

[coffeebeforescience]

[She bites at her lower lip, shaking her head.]

I couldn't have changed her mind! Not after she saw what a brilliant man you are. I had nothing to offer her. I tried, Jacob. I tried, and I failed. I know that. I only want to protect her, and now I know I didn't. I probably couldn't.

[She manages to sound the slightest bit emotional.]

She's my child, too.

Didn't we already have this conversation? That I'm sorry? That I missed you both? That I want to be there?

[mouthshut]

[He shakes his head at that, looking down this time. Not because he's angry, that bit of emotion is enough to show that yes she cares and that's actually enough for him, which is why there's no bite in his words, just a quiet resignation.]

You couldn't have, if it's anything like my death, whatever it is, it's probably classified and away from you.

[He wipes at his eyes, hoping she doesn't catch on to the fact that he's near ready to cry.]

I know she is, I do. And we did. [This time he just lets his head hang.] It's my fault, Catherine, not yours. I'm sorry.

[He's upset and angry but more at himself now then her, if he didn't die, maybe he could have taken on Miranda's mission instead. He could have kept her safe or at least kept her alive a little longer. Maybe his death wouldn't have been so bad to be classified. Maybe he could have seen his daughter hit thirty.]

[coffeebeforescience]

[It isn't rocket science. She knows he's upset, on the verge of losing his composure. They've never particularly fought before. This is as close as she thinks they'll ever get, and already she's shutting all of her emotions off. She's broken once. She can't break again.]

I would never have wished that on either of you. I survive Reach, I survive everything. I survive, alone, probably as wretched as I deserve to be. Even my--

[Her precious Spartans. And knowing what she knows... Knowing what she knows, she couldn't have saved them. Couldn't have helped. Couldn't have done anything. Combat was not her area of expertise. Nothing she could have done, not science, not technology, not a single achievement could have saved them because she couldn't save everyone. She was, after all, so limited by the extent of her knowledge, what she learned and what she was told. And even now she knows things were kept from her, probably would be in the future.

If only people would let her do her job, maybe somehow, somehow, somehow she could have made a difference.

Saving humanity. But at what cost?

At the only cost. The cost of the few for the good of the many.]

--even so many of my Spartans. I outlive you all.

[mouthshut]

[It's not, it really isn't, because unlike her, he doesn't shut off his emotions. And really it's her lack of them that he usually draws strength off of, but in this, in this he wishes she would show them. She's a grieving mother, why isn't she showing him that? Out of everyone, shouldn't he see them?

But it's her. Why should he be surprised?

He doesn't ask about Reach, doesn't need to know but he chalks it up to another glassed world. The Covenant found Reach. Why is he not surprised?

Instead he turns around when she starts talking, towards the side of the container, her words bothering him more than he'd like to admit. And when she says "my Spartans" he punches the wall, not surprised she'd say that but it still bothers him and he wants to rage at her about that. Wants to lash out and say they're not yours, they're just soldiers, you have a daughter, but doesn't.

He punches the container again and then leaves it pressed against the side, putting his other hand near it so he's braced against it and sighs.]

Lucky you.

[coffeebeforescience]

That's not how I meant it.

[But she wouldn't trade her life for theirs because she knows in her heart that what she knows and what she can do is just as valuable. She knows that she holds the key to so many things.

It tears her up that she even thinks this, and she manages to make a small, strangled noise before clearing her throat and walking over to him. Though she's somewhat worried about what he'll do, she puts a hand in between his shoulder blades, fingertips barely touching his back.]

[mouthshut]

You're valuable, Catherine, what you can do, what you know. We're not.

[And he knows it too. He knows what she can do will save lives, save humanity and he would trade his life for hers if she was ever in danger, but mostly out of the fact that he cares for her and not the knowledge she has, what she can do is just a good excuse. It's what he signed up for after all, he's just not used to knowing that's what it takes for him and his daughter, for his family.

He just flexes his fingers slightly at her touch and shakes his head.]

[coffeebeforescience]

Not that it matters for much anymore, not that you'll care, but you're valuable to me. Jacob, if I could have done more for us, I would have. For Miranda, too.

[Emboldened, she flattens her hand against his back and steps in closer. He's so tall. He's too tall. She's always thought so. She wants to lean in and put her head on his shoulder and do something, anything, to make this stop.

Maybe she should never have told him. Let him live in ignorance. Try to be merciful. Maybe she should have started out with the truth about the Spartans--her Spartans--and the darkness hidden in her own heart. She started all of this to put down humans, and what did it become? What did they all become? Casualties. Even her. Her own humanity set aside for this.

What is she anymore but a monster?

Yes, Miranda deserved better, deserves her father's love and his grief and his turmoil and Catherine can't do anything but watch in muted sorrow. She let herself die on the inside years ago. She had to.]

[mouthshut]

I love you too, Catherine.

[But he knows, above them are her Spartans. She says my Spartans after all, above him and Miranda is her work. But no, right now he can live with knowing that in her own way she cares about them.

He would have preferred not knowing about her death, he would have liked to just think that Miranda is alive and eventually has a family. Or something of the sort, let himself think that she gets that future he never had. But he is thankful it's her that tells him. John would have been awkward, Cortana as well.

Feeling her touch though he smiles some but doesn't move, he'll move in a bit if she doesn't make a move soon, and lifts his head up some. He wants this to stop but he's rather lost on how to make it stop, hoping she knows a way.

He's lost and for once he doesn't know how to handle it.]

[coffeebeforescience]

I don't...

[She runs her hands down his back, frowning, thinking to deny it, but he has a point. If she's going to love anyone, it should be her family. She can't find that specific emotion, doesn't know its root anymore and couldn't identify it if it smacked her in the face, but as she steps in and places her cheek against the back of his shoulder, murmuring another apology, she knows he's right.

She doesn't deserve it. And now she knows that she'll lose everything she ever needed, wanted, had to have to survive. She'll let it all go, somehow, and she'll survive.

One of her arms winds around him. For once, there aren't any words on her lips. Nothing springs forth from her head but apologies that mean nothing because she's not really sorry for much.

Sorry she told him the way she did. Sorry she was a terrible mother. Eternally sorry that she could never give Jacob what he deserved.]

[mouthshut]

[No, he knows he's right because if she didn't love him, love Miranda, she wouldn't have wanted to tell him in person. She wouldn't have given him Miranda to raise, and for all of his issues with that, he knows it was out of a good place.

Some place in her heart she cares, even with her Spartans, she just doesn't know how to handle it. To him, she deserves it and he just wishes her daughter could see it.

He doesn't envy her living after all of it with just John. If he were in her shoes, honestly he's not sure how he would handle it and in a way is happy he never has too.

Instead he just wraps an arm around her after leaning his weight on his other hand, ignoring the bloody knuckles from punching metal, and finally lets the tears fall. It didn't take dying or anything this place could throw at him to make him do that, it took just learning about his future.

And he's not sure what it says about him.]

Come here. [Let him hold her, let him at least comfort her after raging at her earlier, letting his composure go, for being a father.]